For the past year or so I've been learning that my thoughts, opinions, feelings and memories are conditioned, ie coloured by my past experiences and therefore, NOT reality. Oh, they are very real nonetheless, because they exist in my mind and are constantly projected onto my present. This is what's called my subjective reality. But they are not real in the sense they do not arise out of the present moment, which is the only real reality.
It reminds me of Harry Potter's death experience in the last chapters of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He asked Dumbledore 'Is this real or is it happening inside my head? Of course, it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it's not real?' (quoted from memory). So there you have it -- it was real to him.
In recent times I've come at the crossroads of reality -- what's real, really? The stuff that I feel in my body and think in my head or the stuff that's right in front of my eyes and that I know does not cause any of my thoughts or feelings. Knowing, however, is very different from awareness.
And I knew that, but still, I remained at that crossroads. I also knew that all suffering in the present was caused by negative past experiences and yet, fear and insecurity was building up somewhere inside me. I knew I had to release them and yet, I was struggling with that, too. I couldn't let go and that depressed me so I started asking myself two questions:
Which reality is real? External or internal, mind-made or heart-based?
Why I couldn't let go? Was it that I loved my past so much I couldn't bear to miss it or was there something else?
It's been said time and again that if you ask the right questions, the answers are there, too.
And it's true.
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