Energy

Today I've come to realize that vast quantities of my energy are spent in vain in two ways:

either to fight internally with criticism and negativity towards me
or to endlessly strive to gather good opinion and approval

This is all internal conflict in which neither party has ever claimed full victory. You know why?
As I said, it's internal, so one part of me always fights with another. I'm split and no thing or human divided can function properly.

The other reason is that this conflict results from childhood memories with my parents and today I remembered how all this started working.

However, the thing to fully come to my awareness now is that I needn't either fight ot strive, because it's no longer relevant. I'm only losing energy without either conquering criticism or getting approval.

It's the victim-focused mode of living. And I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.