The Secret of Secrets

Very interesting stuff in that video

Energy

Today I've come to realize that vast quantities of my energy are spent in vain in two ways:

either to fight internally with criticism and negativity towards me
or to endlessly strive to gather good opinion and approval

This is all internal conflict in which neither party has ever claimed full victory. You know why?
As I said, it's internal, so one part of me always fights with another. I'm split and no thing or human divided can function properly.

The other reason is that this conflict results from childhood memories with my parents and today I remembered how all this started working.

However, the thing to fully come to my awareness now is that I needn't either fight ot strive, because it's no longer relevant. I'm only losing energy without either conquering criticism or getting approval.

It's the victim-focused mode of living. And I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime.

About Answers

It so happened that while struggling with the issues from the previous post, with staying in the present moment, with being aware, etc., etc. I started a new universal energy seminar.

And next morning I saw it.

I saw the correlation between my subconscious and my waking mind.

I saw how my subconscious freely flows in my waking life and how it colours it without my slightest knowledge.

So much for reality and for letting go of the past.

In short, I understood that living my waking life in the present is a piece of cake. It is my subconscious that is really making it difficult. It is so very deeply rooted that even in the face of reality where there is no evidence whatsoever that my subconscious scenario will unfold, I still experience the emotions that that particular scenario evokes. And it's nearly impossible to convince myself that this is not reality but just a past memory. The truth is that it feels deeper than that and that, well, deepens the dificulty. It almost feels like it's from past lives or dimensions.

In conclusion, I found out that that my subconscious is very powerful or, at least, I have a powerful connection with it, which blocks or sabotages my attempts at arriving in the present.

I found out that this is the reason why it was never a solution for me to pinpoint that this particular emotion comes from that particular childhood experience and that's that.

This also explained why my waking mind is so powerful -- it tries to keep the subconscious at bay.

Of course I'm just beginning to realize the implications of all of this.

What's real, really?

For the past year or so I've been learning that my thoughts, opinions, feelings and memories are conditioned, ie coloured by my past experiences and therefore, NOT reality. Oh, they are very real nonetheless, because they exist in my mind and are constantly projected onto my present. This is what's called my subjective reality. But they are not real in the sense they do not arise out of the present moment, which is the only real reality.

It reminds me of Harry Potter's death experience in the last chapters of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. He asked Dumbledore 'Is this real or is it happening inside my head? Of course, it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it's not real?' (quoted from memory). So there you have it -- it was real to him.

In recent times I've come at the crossroads of reality -- what's real, really? The stuff that I feel in my body and think in my head or the stuff that's right in front of my eyes and that I know does not cause any of my thoughts or feelings. Knowing, however, is very different from awareness.

And I knew that, but still, I remained at that crossroads. I also knew that all suffering in the present was caused by negative past experiences and yet, fear and insecurity was building up somewhere inside me. I knew I had to release them and yet, I was struggling with that, too. I couldn't let go and that depressed me so I started asking myself two questions:

Which reality is real? External or internal, mind-made or heart-based?

Why I couldn't let go? Was it that I loved my past so much I couldn't bear to miss it or was there something else?

It's been said time and again that if you ask the right questions, the answers are there, too.

And it's true.